Jun 25, 2010

All The Single Ladies...

That’s right. Single ladies put your hands up. While I am enjoying my singledom I gotta tell ya, sometimes it’s hard being a single gal! I was recently reminded just how freakin crazy boys can be. Don’t get me wrong, 98% percent of girls are nuts, but boys-they are tricky little bastards. I was thinking about the guys I have dated, some of the ridiculous first dates I have been on, and some of the god awful guys I have gone out with when a light bulb went off. Most of these horrid messes I have gotten myself into could have been avoided had I just paid attention to the huge red warning flag that was waving right in front of my face. What’s that line from Sweet Home Alabama, something about southern gals not making the right decision till they try all the wrong ones? Insert here.

Ladies, in attempts to share my knowledge, help you possibly avoid some mistakes, and allow you to maintain your dignity during a friendly game of ‘never have I ever’ I have compiled a list of without a doubt, red flags. Deal breakers. Run the other way immediately things. Do not proceed any further-ism’s if you will. These are all 100% true. And while I wish I could claim all of them personally, I do have to admit that some of these happened to a dear friend of mine who shall again, remain nameless. But most of them I shamefully can call my own. I can hardly admit some of these with a straight face. But here we go…

Proceed courtship NO further if...

1. If he dumps you for Jesus. He tell’s you that you are distracting him from his walk with God. His exact words? “I am on fire for the Lord.” Yet he goes hot tubbing the next weekend with girls of the chestier/sluttier/older variety.

2. If his name is Beans. Enough said.

3. If he tells you after the fact that he has moved back in with his parents, in another town by the way.

4. If the only way you can refer to him is “you know, IT Brian” as in my computer isn't working, I need to call the guys from IT.

5. If he doesn’t call you for three days because he forgot your phone number.

6. If he doesn’t shower after he gets off his shift at corkeys barbecue, and hence smells of pork products. Scratch that. If he works at Corkey's barbeque.

7. If he tells you he is going to be an astronaut, is in a secret NASA program, orders your dinner in French, but then apparently has a sudden career shift and deliver’s a pizza to your friends house the next week. Run.

8. If within a week of seeing you he says “I’m just so emotionally exhausted, this is all just happening so fast” wow dude. Just let me know next time you are on your period… geez.

9. Whilst sharing your first kiss he says “I don’t have a condom”

10. If he says to you “I am so drunk, I can’t ride my own two feet right now…” WHOA dude where are you from?

11. If he Jake Pavelka's it, bringing you an obnoxious display of possible funeral arrangement flowers that he picked up from the service down the street, and proceeds to tell you over dinner when he lost his virginity, that your religion is stupid, that his ex girlfriend has fake boobs, and then calls you a bitch to your face.

12. If he takes you on a first date to CiCi’s pizza buffet. Did I mention he was a “manny” and this nanny met him at ballet practice because our kids danced together. He also had a girlfriend who he oops, forgot about. They are now married.

13. If he scales the outside of your house, to climb in your second story bathroom window, while you are in the shower because you did not answer your phone.

14. If he tells you that he didn’t go to prom junior or senior year of high school, because no girls liked him, and his parents threw him a pizza party. Likely a sob story to get in your pants. And I would like to add that this works.

15. If he is seventeen years your senior, and you are closer to his son’s age. Things get weird. Trust me.

16. And last but not least, If he tells you he is really into you, but oh yeah-oops- he is still seeing a chic named Lori, and also he has to take her to her colonoscopy the next day, but hopes you understand. Just run. “Run run away, don’t let him mess with your mind… he’ll tell you anything you wanna hear...” Cowboy Casanova ladies and gentlemen.

I hope this has been informative. I know I am forgetting some classics, but I just can't remember them at this moment. Ladies PLEASE share any you would like to add. We single gals HAVE to help each other out, and you married ladies, I KNOW you have some lessons in your closet too. It is Friday, and I need some entertainment. So dish girls, what ya got for me? GO.

33 comments:

Ms. Emily Ann said...

Pretty incredible list... and I thought I had some horror stories. You could create a whole second series of Sex and the City with these dating disasters!

Lauren said...

Oh.My.Gosh. I'm a (relatively) new follower and never comment, but HAVE to on this one... I feel your pain. Really. I dated a guy last summer who wanted to make a scrapbook two weeks into our relationship, and saved little things from all of our dates and whatnot. He seriously expected me to create this scrapbook of our relationship... Then he started cornering my sorority sister and texting her incessantly, asking why I was backing off and what he could do because he just loved me so much, and I was the one. Oh girl, there are some CRAZIES out there!

Dree said...

Oh my gosh, this post is awesome. I laughed the entire time! It's true, being single can be great but it can also be really hard. I guess us single ladies can pull each other through!

Brit said...

#13 is hilarious because i have heard that story and ahem... know him. hehe

shooo... i've got a few good ones too.

-If he takes you to a movie on a first date and leaves to go to the bathroom during the previews but never comes back leaving you helpless to find a ride home since he left you. He calls a week later and actually thinks you will give him a chance to explain.

-If he picks his shoulder zits while sitting at your parents kitchen table in his wife beater while your mom is trying to have a conversation then RUN! scratch that... if he wears a wife beater... RUN!

-If he asks you if he can suck on your toe because that turns him on... RUN!

-If he texts you a picture of his "you know what" the day before your first date {which never happened}.

-If he poops on himself in the car after eating too much at Nagasaki with you and your mom in the car.

Haha those were the funniest I can think of... I'm sure I have more too!

Lindsey said...

Hahahha! too funny! Wonderful list! :)

Taryn said...

I absolutely LOVE this post! Hilarious. A few lessons I've learned...

1. If after ONE date (totally awkward date, might I add) he calls his parents and sister (who lives out of town) and arranges a family dinner the upcoming weekend so they can meet you. (Did not attend! Talk about moving fast...!)

2. If he continually tells you he's more than happy on his own, yet continuously hangs out with you for MONTHS before you finally realize he's not going to change!

3. If he shaves his legs because he thinks that looks more toned and attractive.

4. If he, at the age of 26, drinks more than you did in college. I'm talking an entire bottle of wine PLUS a couple beers all while sitting at home alone on a Tuesday evening. And at least 5 other days per week...

5. If he talks up the fact that his dad is a pastor and his family has a very strong faith, then proceeds to try and get in your pants after a half hour of date #1 (a date in which he asked you to watch movies at his place at dinnertime...with no dinner provided!)

I'm sure I have a LOT more if I had more time to think about it! Thanks for bringing back silly memories and providing my entertainment of the day! :)

Ashley said...

I just discovered your blog today, and I have to tell you that I just love it! This post had me laughing out loud, but at the same time, I totally with you. I definitely have a few of these stories myself

Whitney said...

Oh girl. I don't even know where to start. I have so many.

I was reading through the comments, and I saw Brit's. The same thing happened to me. This guy, near the end of the movie went to the bathroom. He ended up leaving. Then I had to find a ride home. When I confronted him about, he said I hope your legs didn't hurt walking home. After that, he said, he ran into his ex, didn't want to cause a scene, and told the cashier to tell me he left. Yeah right.

I can also relate to the guy who is 26, who drinks like a fish every night of the week.

-Another guy I went out with didn't want to go out on a second date with me, because I wouldn't have sex with him. He was right. No way!

-If a guy tells you he owns the bar you are at, precedes to buy you drinks, and then later found out he works at Circuit City. Stop talking to him.

-If a guy makes you drive and pay.


I know there is so many many more, but I try to block all the bad memories out.

Laura Si said...

Oh..this brought back the long tragic list I also hold of horrible dates and relationships! It is nice to know that I'm not the only one who has experience with a string of losers :)

Mama Smors said...

This post is hilarious.... and I can only hope you didn't learn all these lessons first hand!! HORRIBLE :) Love your blog and you are so cute!

Carolyn @ life, love & puppy prints said...

Ah-maz-ing. LOVE IT! So funny! :)

Brown Girl said...

Haha, why would you even bother with someone named Beans????? Haha, that made me literally laugh out loud. Enjoy your singledom girl!!!

Jillian said...

You are hilarious:)

Paige said...

This is the most amazing, hilarious, best post EVER!

Some of these crazies sounds like the people that I get calls on while working at the Police Dept in my town. No joke!

I cannot believe the nerve of some men (and chicks too) out there!

I think if some guy would have told me he didn't have a condom during the first kiss, I would probably have to b*tch smack him. Seriously!

Erin @ Sassin' Southern Style said...

Shut up. #7 and #13 are NOT true!

If you've dated for 2 years and at a party others say, "I didn't even know {So 'n So} had a girlfriend."

If he's trying to make out with you in front of your grandparents after only chatting for a few days.

If he brags about how many women he's slept with.

If you start to get the inkling his story sounds too good to be true, and oh, wait, he's been lying to every single person in his family that he actually failed out of school a year and a half ago, but told everyone he was still going... oh, and taking tuition money from his parents.

Goooooood grief!

Kristin said...

you are too funny!

Dana (and Michael♥) said...

I had to work today (Saturday) And it was well worth me coming in so I could read this post...One of my ALL TIME FAVS! Literally laughing so hard im crying.

Claire Kiefer said...

#8--feel like I've been there a zillion times. #9? has me cracking up. :)

mFw said...

Great post! You are too cute!

stephanieee said...

if he is 22 years old and still asks his mothers permission. for everything.

loved this! we've all had some doozies.

leigh ashley said...

oh my gosh... this post seriously made me laugh out loud!! you are so right... and SO cute!! :)

Kristen @ All In My Twenties said...

oh Miss Allison this is SO funny! and I thought some of my first dates were way too creepy!!

love it!

leigh ashley said...

ps. i left an award for you on my blog today:

http://leighashley.blogspot.com/2010/06/little-substance-and-wonderful-photo.html

Tarryn said...

You know me I love to pass awards your way... Hope your week is going well!!

http://2bloggeristas.blogspot.com/2010/06/top-2-tuesday-and-award.html

hugs,
Tarryn (& Allison)

Kristen @ All In My Twenties said...

Shut up Allison!! I cant believe yall ICE too all the way in Kentucky!! We have so much fun with it! We really would be friends!!!

P.S. My friend Steph and I were referencing you and Emily Ann's blog on our trip this weekend and all our friends were totally weirded out that we kept referring to you two as our "friends"!!

Kerr said...

oh my gosh these are all so funny! I am sorry you had to meet all these duds but I do enjoy the laughs!
I have a personal one to add, if he tells you he "just needs a year" to be ready for a relationship. RUN in the other direction.

Brookiela said...

This is fantastic Alli! You're hilarious girl! And I love that I get to vent now about my crazy ex-boyfriend. The one who said things like "you're what I've been looking for" the first night we went out. RED FLASHING FAG. Then after a few months and a great beginning he "accidentally" lost his phone charger during his trip to Puerto Rico. Then we broke up because he "had to focus on taking his boards." Once his boards were over he had this nice girl in town... did I mention she was from Puerto Rico and he met her while we were dating. SCHMUCK!
But get this... three years later after hearing every line in the book he asks me (over text- red red red) to grab dinner. I rain check, thank God! 'cause last night he called, hoping to get together when I get back from my trip to Costa Rica. Then today this sweet little thing writes on his wall that she can't wait until he gets to Seattle. Mind you, he told me he wasn't getting break from school/work.
LADIES, LEOPARDS DON'T CHANGE THEIR SPOTS.
(and be weary if he's dating you out of town.)

Katherine said...

bahahahahahahaha #16 = Rob F.

i'm dying right now! i just heard this story about him last night while watching the bachelor!

Dreah87 said...

Well this is my first time reading your blog and I love it! Well I am recently single after 8 years of dating a bipolar D bag (high school sweetheart) and I have gone on some GREAT (dripping with sarcasm) first dates. Some of my recent favorites include...
* A guy who BEFORE our first date, was texting me and saying he is now looking for the mother of his children.
* I had one guy pick me up at my house, didn't bother to get out of the car, wore the most horrid, old, ruined sneakers, and then proceeded to tell me at dinner he recently got fired from his job and "Had no idea why".. really dude? REALLY???!! I doubt that.. I RAN the other way..

Kristen479 said...

If he played "Gaston" in the high school play of "Beauty and the Beast" and brags about it. Not to mention the fact that his mother ALWAYS plays the home video of said play everytime you go over to her house. R U N !!

Kristen479 said...

OR HOW ABOUT THESE
-guy lets you know he has cheated on every single girl he has ever dated excpet one because she was "special" and that you are special too so he'd never do it to you
-guy that brags about girls texting him trying to hook up with him WHILE YOUR ON A DATE
-guy goes over to your girlfriends house to "study" while you're busy at work and then ... oops... forgets to mention it to you
-guys whose goal in life is to have dreds... weirdo
-guys whose mothers still come over every night to cook his dinner, buy his underwear and shoes, and come over every saturday to help clean and decorate his house.
-guys who have more candles than yankee candles stores.

oh the list could go on!

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